V, I see your awkward apartment times and raise them by 5! Top 5 Awkward Apartment moments (when no one is watching). I am sure those of you who know me and have spent time in my fine little abode have your own list of curious things that have happened. And I am sure they are funny and embarrassing, probably most embarrassing for me. But, hey, what else is new? Am I right?! But sometimes the weirdest things happen when no one is there to witness, and that's when I have no choice but to laugh as I imagine what I look like while these things are happening to me. Who knows I could be making these stories up, but after reading the following list, I think you will want to believe they are true.
So with that being said...here are my TOP 5 AWKWARD MOMENTS at my apartment(when no one is watching):
5) Hearing my newlywed neighbors screaming next door, unable to tell if they were fighting, playing, or doing something else that involves screaming. So I, being a good neighbor friend, stood listening at the wall through a glass held up to my ear, waiting for signs of danger. I feel like they could tell I was there and thought I was weird. I mean, they would never answer when I came over to borrow an egg...
4) My very first (andonly thanks to the ridicule of Kevin and CJ) Halloween party. CJ thought it would be "cool" to dress up as this character from Space Jam...
....You're right...I don't know what to say either. But the point is that CJ is not normally this color, so he got the idea to paint his entire body purple. Thus, for years (yes, years) afterward, I was finding purple smudges ALL OVER my apartment: on the walls, on the refrigerator door handle, in the refrigerator (who knows it was a crazy night).
3) Then there is the time I watched my old Vietnam Vet neighbor walk his tiny white dog while I was watering my plants on the patio. He is usually not wearing a shirt (definitely not T. Lautz material), he always wears some form of burnt orange/UT pants or gym shorts, and is always carrying a beer. Well, I watched him putz around with his dog for a little bit. But after a while, that short jaunt around the tree got to be too much and Mr. Vietnam had to take a rest on the wooden ledge. I watched him to make sure he was okay. Then slowly, like a little shirtless, drunk baby, he fell asleep. Just like that. Chin to chest, snoozin' while his little dog did his thing. I looked around: no one else seem to notice the old man, so I just let him be.
2) I hate bugs. It is rare that they find their way into my apartment, but if they do...then they are dumb not to trust their bug senses that this is the end. Any bug that comes in meets its demise with Black Flag bug spray. Its mainly for scorpions and bees and such (bugs I've never actually had). But hey, I figure the extra strength stuff always does the trick. One morning I was just trying to eat my eggs when I see a roach crawl up my living room wall. I guess I could just leave it because that is how scared I am of roaches, but then I think about where it could end up later in the day if I leave it: in my bed, in my shoe, in my shower cap. I shudder at the thought. So I become enraged, like the hulk. I run to find a broom, beat the roach off the wall, all the while screaming things like "YOU BASTARD, *&&#@!@" (you know, things to get myself pumped up). This is awkward because it's probably 7am and the floors and walls aren't that thick. And my neighbors have ears. I'm pretty sure they were judging me. I stomp on it under the broom, attack it with the Black Flag, but it doesn't die. Then I go all Ryan Gosling on this bug and do something like this (GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD!)
Sorry to scare you, Carey.
1)And this has happened multiple times, but I will sum it up into a couple examples. It's one thing to have funny/awkward things happen to you when you are alone. But sometimes it gets so bad that I start to argue with myself. And not even with myself. I imagine in my head having a conversation with someone that I know. Maybe I'm anticipating talking with them later that day, or maybe I'm remembering how a conversation went in the past. But then I will randomly respond out loud. Usually I am arguing with that other person so I will just blurt out angry comments. For example, I'll be scrubbing the bathtub and then a random, "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO STUDY IN GROUPS," will come out. Or I might be hanging up clothes in the closet and grumpily scoff, "Ha! Why don't you bring coffee cake for the office?!" Jeez...why don't they just listen.?(Disclaimer: I am not schizophrenic!)
I guess the idea for this blog was supposed to be a "conversation", in which someone writes a blog entry and then the other person focuses on something from that entry and writes a new one based on said focus. Or, if it wasn't it is now (take note, Alanna).
I will start by saying that everything in the previous "bragging on little sis" blog is true. I refute nothing. I am a genius. I am hilarious. I do give death stares. I do look like my sister (supposedly.......). I would like a Beaver Nugget. However, one thing that was not mentioned is that I am awkward. Alanna and I once ran into some douche she used to know at Express (a fascinating story in itself) and when he asked me how I was, I responded: "it's hot." Direct quote. I am a master of the awkward run in, awkward hugs, awkward silences, the awkward laugh, awkward small talk, the awkward eye-contact-when-you're-staring-at-someone-so-you-quickly-pretend-to-be-staring-at-something-over-their-head maneuver. I am also a master of the awkward apartment visit.
What is an awkward apartment visit, you may ask yourself? In my case, the awkward apartment visit (referred to as the AAV) happens whenever the maintenance man, plumber or pest control man make any stop at apartment 512 (apartment numbers changed to protect the innocent). Every. Single. Time.
The first AAV happened in December while I was getting ready to go Christmas shopping on my day off. The first thing to understand about the AAV is that my apartment complex has maybe two criteria for hiring maintenance men: 1) extremely old 2) procrastinator
It never fails that I put in a request for some sort of small, girlish activity to be performed and roughly three weeks later, I can finally stop showering in my own bath water because Elmer (name NOT changed to protect the innocent) has come to unclog my shower drain of my small hair wig.
ANYWAYS, this is basically the task that was coming to be performed on this day. Since I never know when Elmer is coming, 9 times out of 10 I am not prepared for his arrival. This day was cold so I was wearing boots. I've learned that the best boot wearing happens when you tuck your jeans into your tallest pair of socks to avoid bunchage. This was the task I was performing when Elmer came-a-knocking and I answered my door with my jeans tucked into my socks like some kind of hipster, Austinite hillbilly.
Ok, maybe not so bad. Perhaps the time I requested to have my leaky faucet fixed will provide you with a better picture of the AAV. Again, I put my request in and for a week straight, I made sure that my bathroom was cleared of any jeans, bras, undergarments, socks, Jonas Brothers t-shirts (true story), whatever, before I left for the day. Every day, for a week. The one day I was late for class and didn't have time to clean up after myself is the day the faucet gets fixed. There's also a good chance I had been wearing that JoBro t-shirt (amongst other unmentionables) and it/they was/were now laying out for the world to see. Or maybe just Elmer.
The plumber came when I needed the work that Elmer did, undone. It turns out when he fixed my leaky faucet, he made the handle turn the wrong way. It never bothered me, but it apparently bothered everyone else. This one was a true record breaker, because it took them TWO MONTHS to come fix it. In the mean time, my drain stopper had also broken. This meant that the plumber was in for an extended visit! And I was in for a treat too, since I was home with nothing to do but clean my apartment and make small talk. Things started off okay. The plumber smelled like outside and sweat and had made my carpet and bathroom tile dirty with his work boots, for which I was internally giving him a DS. However, things quickly got very awkward when he called me over from my bedroom where I had been making the bed. He asked me if I could "clear out the cabinet under the sink" so that he could work. I walked in and was horrified to find him standing at an open cabinet with TEN (10!!!!!!) different bags/boxes/cartons/buckets/barrels of feminine products staring both of us in the face. He tried to look away while I attempted to scoop them all up in to my arms at once and failed, miserably. He finally put me out of my misery when he handed me a basket that had also been under the sink to carry them in (I'm not even lying) and told me that was "good enough" and he had enough space to work. A true gentleman. The visit was all downhill from there as he tried to make small talk with me for a good half hour about the UT golf team winning the National Championship (boring) and things he learned from infomercials (also boring). I just couldn't get past the wall of tampons that had probably cascaded down on him when he opened my cabinet. Or when they spilled out of my arms. It was like there was an unspoken, large elephant in the room.
Or maybe that's just how I perceived the situation. Because I'm awkward.
Well isn't this going to be typical?...By typical I mean this: A few weeks ago, I (Alanna) had this great idea to start this blog. Why blog? Because the alternatives, like keeping up with the Kardash family on E! (which should be E?, meaning "Entertainment?") are so tempting. Actually the idea came from me being the only person that seemed to be seriously entertained by my younger sister (Victoria). I laugh at practically everything she says when we are together. Like, it's unnatural. So I told her to make a blog because I wanted stuff to laugh at, but I figured out she would never do it until I made her. It's a beautiful thing we have as sisters really: I have an idea that I want to happen and I will stop at nothing, NOTHING, until my idea becomes a reality. Thus, I did this reverse psychology thing (yep, this is why they pay me the big bucks...I mean I pay them the big bucks for grad school). I told my sis that I would be a part of the blog. I knew that if I sacrificed myself and became a part of this process, I would reap the benefits of a daily dose of hilarity and sarcasm. My plan is working! Victoria (from here on out classically referred to as "V") has finally written the first entry of our sister blog! This exchange will take place presumably until the end of time...or at least until we get bored, blogging becomes lame, our lives are taken over by school or work, or until one of us gets our face eaten off during a trip to Florida.
So I laughed throughout the first post about said "Chatting and Cutting." I could picture V witnessing the debacle of the Sister Wives at Einstein's with this disgusted death stare plastered on her face. Please be advised that the death stare will now be referred to as "DS." (Look, I like shortening words/names down to letters and then referencing them. Get used to it). V gives the DS to mere commonfolk so often that it has become an unconscious reflex, or at least this is what I have diagnosed.
...Anyways! I had never heard of such a thing as "Chat and Cut" and could picture it in my head perfectly (or so I thought). Then I saw the Larry David clip attached at the bottom. "Wow," I thought, "V knows a lot about blogging. She puts in fancy videos. She. Is. Good." So I proceeded to watch Larry's usual disastrous altercation/explanation of the "Chat and Cut." I watch it about 1.5 times, not because I was that entertained, but because my iPad stopped buffering, scrubbing, loading, whatever you want to call it. (Side note: Rob Kardashian's new hair is greasy and gross. I'm calling it the Armenian Mullet...Mean Mullet, maybe?). Once I'm buffered, I finish the clip. It's then that I realize that I am the one that has been duped by my sister. This is the classic formula: 1) V says something funny, 2) Alanna tries to come back with an equally hilarious quip, 3) Alanna's joke/interpretation of V's funny is in fact not funny at all (cue DS), 4) crickets chirp and then we laugh at my stupidity until we get distracted by something else. No, this isn't a math test; you don't have to be afraid of the formula. But be prepared to see this formula crop up regularly on the sister blog. So in this instance, I totally thought the "Chat and Cut" meant chat with someone in line, and then randomly cut out of the conversation and run. I feel dumb...as usual. Because that is obviously NOT what it means! V is just too smart for her my own good! Sometimes I wonder if she would be my friend if we weren't related. Even though we are related, I still think she figuratively shakes her head at me every time words come out of my mouth. Doctoral student...reduced to a ditz in a matter of seconds by my genius lil sis (hey at least people say we look alike. I'll take it.)
THIS JUST IN: After visiting my sis in San Marcos while I was at school (yes on a Saturday), mom walks in my apartment after coming back from Buc-ee's for the first time with a bag in her hand and the greeting, "Hi! Beaver nugget?" Get ready people...
I suppose I have been given the task to write the first blog in our sister blog! I'm not sure how we are supposed to distinguish who is "talking" (writing?) but I will for now write in this pretty font in this pretty shade of purple.
I wasn't sure what to make the first entry about, but then I found myself at Enstein Bros. Bagels this morning for maybe the second time this week (DON'T JUDGE ME). It's always a good time when I go there. For example, the other time I went this week, there was a large Sister Wives convention (side note: a "Sister Wives convention" is any large gathering of homely dressed women) with their children and husbands. They each took turns ordering a million bagels for themselves and their children and then bought their own cream cheese tubs to schmear everyone's bagels separately. They were generally loud and in the way, with some kid screaming about how he was going to order 15 of everything and then dared his friend to eat it all. Anyways, they were generally OOC and when the bagel maker finally put all 80 of their bagels in separate baskets up on the counter, she told the leader of the pack "here are your bagels!" I swear everyone in that group stared at her like they had no clue where they were, who they were or what they ordered. Then one of them was like "woah that's a lot of bagels!" and then laughed like it was the most hilarious joke in the world. Yeah those are your bagels, now get out of my way!
Today when I went, it was a Friday at 11, so naturally there were a lot of elderly people there. The man in front of me went to order and this lady, who had been by herself at a table, got up and went over to the man and their conversation went something like this:
Lady: (gives man a hug) Oh my gosh! It is so good to see you! How have you been? Man: (says something in response) Lady: Oh that is so great! (to cashier) I'll have the Tuscan Pesto bagel, toasted please.
I couldn't believe it! This lady just performed a classic "chat and cut" (which is a term my friend Tara told me about and is demonstrated in the video below**) and ordered bagels on this man's tab! I was secretly hoping they didn't know each other but....they did. In fact they were Larry and Noeli! Also, Noeli gave the cashier some of her homemade jewelry. A sweet moment indeed.
(ALSO: this has nothing to do with Einstein's but afterwards I went to Target where there were two ladies in their 60s shopping together talking about the plot of The Hangover 2. "I watched the most hilarious movie the other night! They were at a bachelor party in Bangkok...it was The Hangover 2! You must see it.")
Anyways, that's all I have for now. I've learned that you don't need to go to 6th street or a concert to find some of the most interesting characters in Austin. Just head on over to your local old folks' neighborhood and you can have the time of your life!!
