I think about how far I have come since leaving my hometown and going to grad school. I think of the people I have met and the people I have separated from, but who still support me, and the people I have left for good. It weirds me out to think how I have had some type of relationship with everyone I have encountered in my life. In one time span, they may have been the most important thing to me, and now I don't even know what kinds of things they like to talk about or do anymore.
I think about the places I have been and the things I have done in the past few years. When I am able to get out of my daily routine of work and school, I can't even believe that life exists outside of these things! Today when I was driving home from dinner, I saw what I assume to be a Somali woman (due to the neighborhood) walking down the median of a busy intersection carrying her groceries in a bag...balancing on top of her head!!! I mean, come on! You never see that...unless you are watching the Discovery Channel or some M.I.A. or Michael Jackson political music video. It just made me think about how much bigger this world is than what we each have going on in our own little sector of the city. I feel like wherever I go, the things I do and the people I am with can make it the most important place for me to be. Then I think about how everyone probably feels this way. So doesn't it make sense that everything going on in the world is important and meaningful?
I think about the future of course. Look how far I have come in just a few years, I tell myself. I have met people I can't picture living life without, I have explored new things and developed new interests that seem to make my life so much more enriched than it ever has been. I wonder what more will change in 4 or 5 years from now, when I am done with school. What will my boyfriend/husband/children look like? I'm praying to have at least one of those. If not, I hope I am having a lot of fun, with a lot of close friends (preferably not friends in the convent) !
I think about God. A LOT. My relationship with Him is so strange...like a roller coaster really. But not a crazy one that makes you feel sick at the end. More of a calm roller coaster that goes at a pretty good speed, but has a few twists and turns in there to keep life interesting. But I think I like this type of relationship with God the most. Of course, I usually wish it were easier and that I had all the right answers, knew what was going to happen next, and could make others see God and change their lives. But that never feels right to me. What feels right is being real with people. Just knowing them, doing what they like to do, and appreciating them for who they are. So, if you've been by my side throughout my spiritual ups and downs, thank you. I also apologize to you if I ever made you feel bad about not being closer to God. You know God in your own way and a relationship and experiences with Him are more real than what any person could ever tell you to do.
What I think about most these days, when no one is with me and my brain has time to slow down and be quiet, is of a wonderful friend I had. Her name is Lucy. If you know me, you already know how big of an impact this woman has had on my life, and how much I still think of her today and model many aspects of my life around things she taught me. I have written a lot about Lucy: memories, tributes, advice she used to give me. Also, if you know me, you are probably used to me writing so much about her and you probably think you already know what I will say! But I am probably going to say something you have yet to hear from me: death sucks. It is the most unfair, confusing, and harsh experience those of us who are still living will ever go through. I can't figure out why, I can't have that person back. Despite all the memories I have, I can't relive them. Each time I try to remember Lucy's voice or laugh, it gets a little harder, and it scares me. I can think of all the things I would have, should have done or said, but none of it seems right. The one good thing about death is that it gives you hope and passion for life. Since Lucy's death, I have done more and more everyday to push myself. Not only have I pushed myself more physically and intellectually like Lucy used to influence me to do, but I push myself spiritually the most. I have never felt so close to God as I did right after losing Lucy. I literally felt like I was in His arms and they were both comforting me and doing amazing things in my life for months after she was gone. That is a feeling that cannot be topped by much.
Relationships, God, death; all the main points of this post, and all the most profound experiences we have as humans. I think that Lucy, and probably anyone else who has every passed away, was probably terrified at first. But I believe there comes a beautiful moment, one that I know my friend experienced, where all three of those things come together and life on earth and life in Heaven connect and make sense.
This post isn't meant to motivate anyone to do anything, to give advice, to make people happy, sad, mad, etc. It's just meant to make you think like I think (and to take off some of the burden from my sis to not have to be the only one hearing stuff like this!) And to allow you to take a step back and evaluate what makes life beautiful and worth it to you.
Love,
Alanna
