why Taylor, you may ask? well, mostly because she is probably the artist with the largest collection of music on my iPod, so I don't have to do much song flipping while driving, which is always dangerous. she's also my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. I got the idea to dedicate a whole blog post to her music after her video for "I Knew You Were Trouble" came out, but I didn't know what sort of direction I should take. best Taylor Swift videos? best Taylor Swift songs? best Taylor Swift duets? progression of Taylor Swift music videos/songs (frizzy haired country tunes, to famous people's cameos as love interests, to a sudden break with reality)? about halfway into my drive, I finally came up with the angle I was going to take: best Taylor Swift diatribes!
for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past, oh, 6 years or so, T-Swizz is infamous for writing songs that sound like they came directly out of her diary. sometimes corny, always heartfelt, T is never one to shy away from the hard hitting topics: her friend Abigail doing the nasty with a boy who ignores her afterwards, her ex cheating on her and then wanting her back, being 22....the list goes on. but I would like to now focus, recall and celebrate all of the times Taylor has written scathing odes to her famous exes. we will now begin.
Number 5
Song: "Forever & Always"
Famous Ex: Joe Jonas
Most scathing line: Was I out of line?/Did I say something way too honest?/That made you run and hide/Like a scared little boy
ahh Joe. the very first of Taylor's famous victims. the story goes that Joe called Taylor to break up with her in a phone call that lasted only a few seconds. that. is. low. Joe claims that "a phone call only lasts as long as the person on the other end wants it to last" but after he reportedly broke up with Demi Lovato in the same fashion (albeit, through his dad....douche), I tend to side with Team Taylor on this one. Taylor has confessed to Ellen Degeneres that this song is about Joe, and was a last minute addition to her breakout cd "Fearless". also, the fact that I know this much about people I'll never meet is sad, and means I need a life. stat. anyways, moving on. i enjoy this song and i enjoy working out to it and listening to it on a bad day, but it's probably the least specific and interesting of all of her breakup songs.
Number 4
Song: "All Too Well"
Famous Ex: Jake Gyllenhaal
Most scathing line: Hey you called me up again/Just to break me like a promise/So casually cruel/In the name of being honest/I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here/Cause I remember it/All too well
I'm really not entirely too sure why these two dated each other, but I can't blame her. I'm also not entirely too sure why she wrote this super intense song about a guy she dated for as long as it takes me to brush my teeth in the mornings, but obviously she was burned pretty bad. or maybe she wasn't and she just needed some fodder for songs on her new cd. either way, I'm kind of obsessed with this song and I enjoy thinking of Jakey Poo probably not giving a crap about it either way. or maybe he does? according to the song he still has her scarf from this photo:
just like the secrets behind Area 51, Big Foot and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know what happened with these two.
Number 3
Song: "Back To December"
Famous Ex: Taylor Lautner
Most scathing line: Maybe this is wishful thinking/Probably mindless dreaming/But if we loved again/I swear I'd love you right/I'd go back in time and change it but I can't/So if the chain is on your door/I understand
ok so this isn't actually scathing. in fact, it's a departure for the norm for Taylor and she actually accepts responsibility for once (and only for once...I promise) and apologizes to her ex-with-the-same-name, Taylor Lautner. poor T-Lautz. he fell into the female Taylor's trap, but emerged relatively unscathed. the female Taylor is probably pretty lucky that hot Taylor isn't a musical artist because I'm sure hot Taylor has a lot to say about his and female Taylor's failed relationship, if the lyrics of the song have any truth to them. also, this same name thing should've been a sign that this relationship was doomed. so confusing. moving on.
Number 2
Song: "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Famous Ex: John Mayer
Most scathing line: And the saddest fear/Comes creeping in/That you never loved me/Or her/Or anyone/Or anything
I don't actually know that this song is about John Mayer, but it probably is. if it's not, it should be. I wish I knew Taylor personally so that I could've told her that dating John Mayer was a terrible idea. this is the guy that called Jessica Simpson "sexual napalm" in a public interview. on the record. to be put in print. while I enjoy this song, thinking of John taking Tay to "places [she's] never been" kind of makes my lunch reflux into my esophagus.
Number 1
Song: "Dear John"
Famous Ex: John Mayer
Most scathing line: All the girls that you've run dry/Have tired lifeless eyes/Cause you've burned them out/But I took your matches before fire could catch me/So don't look now/I'm shining like fireworks/Over your sad, empty town
this is perhaps THE BEST example of a classic T-Swizz diatribe. the only song that directly names her ex-lover, she sings for almost 7 minutes about how he burned her. although, again, I don't particularly enjoy thinking about her probably engaging in some adult behavior with him when she was only 19 and he was like 67 (ok, 30), I do enjoy hearing her sing about the after effects. I also particularly enjoy how she spends a majority of the song talking about "the girl in the dress" who "cried the whole way home" and how she "should've known" it would end up like this. then, in the last lyric, she turns the tables and says "The girl in the dress wrote you a song. You should've known." touche Taylor. touche. and a word of warning to other famous men willing to date Taylor: godspeed.
well that's it! the top 5 best breakup diatribes from the incomparable Taylor Swift. while I usually stand up for Taylor when people put her down for dating so many guys (I mean how many people in this world casually date lots of men? no shame in your game girl!) and for her cutesy, sometimes juvenile lyrics (she has a formula that's made her a millionaire a million times over, so why change it now? business genius, i say.), I do realize there is a common denominator in all of these songs: Taylor. so if any of these lovely men would like to get together and write a song called "You're The Problem In All Of Your Failed Relationships", I will gladly dedicate an entire blog post to that song as well.
