behold, Leonardo DiCaprio, one of the best actors to never win an Oscar. if you don't agree with me when i say that THIS is the most gorgeous man on the planet then YOU....GET OUTTA HERE. but seriously, i've been in love with him since the Titanic days. he was my first celeb crush. some time ago, i got the brilliant idea of watching every single one of Leo's movies. and i mean all of them. after all, how can you say someone is your favorite without being able to properly critique them? behold, the power of the internet. Critters 3? watched it. The Man in the Iron Mask? laughed at it....i mean, watched it. Celebrity? kind of watched it. Body of Lies? took me about 3 weeks to finish it but...watched it.
after all was said and done, i have compiled my list of the top 7 best (i just couldn't make the necessary cuts to get down to an acceptable number!) and bottom 2 worst Leo films, which i now present to you here, in chronological order.
7. The Basketball Diaries
if i had to put these movies in order of greatness, this one would for sure be near the top. in
it, Leo stars as Jim, a (real life) teenage basketball star who, over a period of time, becomes a teenage-basketball-star-turned-heroin-addict who prostitutes himself for money and spends a lot of time hanging out with shady characters in drug dens. you know, the youj. based on the subject matter alone, this movie was super intense and Leo does a great job in two particular scenes. one is a cold turkey withdrawl scene, complete with lots of saliva and mucus. second, the scene below where Jim goes to his mom's apartment to beg her for money at the height of his addiction. definitely easy to tell that Leo was destined for greatness at the ripe old age of 21.
PS- his crying is how i sounded when i called my mom at 1 am the night before my biochemistry final. just in case you wanted to know.
6. Romeo+Juliet
come on. Leo+Claire Danes+Paul Rudd+one of the best movie soundtracks of all time+one of my favorite literary works from high school? of course this movie is on here. pffft.
also, if you need a synopsis of this one, you're probably a moron.
5. Marvin's Room
i definitely was not expecting to enjoy this movie as much as i did. here, Leo stars as Hank, Meryl Streep's oldest and troubled son, who starts off the movie by setting their house on fire, which ultimately lands him in a mental institution. Meryl springs him from the pen early, only to cart him off to her sister (Diane Keeton)'s house in Florida after they find out Di has a form of lukemia that can only be cured by finding a familial bone marrow donor. or something like that. who would've known that Meryl Streep, Leonardo DiCaprio and Diane Keeton would together create comedy gold?! hilarious and heartwarming. i found this as part of a $5 three-movie-Meryl-Streep collection at Target the other day and really contemplated buying it until i found out that the other two movies were Music of the Heart and some movie where her husband was named Esteban. O_o
no thanks, Mer.
4. Catch Me If You Can
probably the closest thing Leo will ever do to a comedy. or a romance. or a movie where he doesn't die in the end. so naturally, it's one of the best because it's different from everything else. it's light and fun and doesn't leave you feeling like humans are the worst species in the world at the end, which is also new and different. in CMIYC, Leo stars as Frank, a teenage con man who pretends to be a pilot, doctor and lawyer (sometimes all at once), and who is continually on the run from an FBI agent, played by Tom Hanks. Christopher Walken plays Frank's dad; Christopher Walken also scares the bejesus out of me. But who really cares about Christopher Walken when he's on screen next to this hottie? ;)
thought so.
3. The Departed
hands down my number one favorite, if we were putting these movies in order. The Departed tells the story of two young men who go undercover in the mob and the police department as moles for both the police department and the mob (respectively). Leo plays the good(ish) guy- the cop undercover in the mob, so we really get to see him struggle with the lie that he's living and the danger he faces if he's found out. Matt Damon plays the other dude and i spent most of the movie hoping he would get caught and generally wanting to punch him in the face. Also, Jack Nicholson plays the mob boss and i realize that, like Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson also scares the bejesus out of me. i think it's the teeth.
also, getting hit with that toy looks legitimately painful. moving on...
2. Blood Diamond
Leo does a Rhodesian/Zimbabwean accent, almost perfectly (according to native South Africans). do you need anymore reason? ok, it also tells a pretty good story.
1. Revolutionary Road
i have no idea why i liked this movie as much as i did, but it stayed with me for a couple of days afterwards. maybe because it was depression station/the bleakest outlook on married life ever, maybe it was this scene or maybe it was the visuals/style of everyone in this beach scene. swoon.
unfortunately, amongst all of the other greats (Shutter Island, Gangs of New York, Django Unchained, TITANIC!!, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?) that didn't make the cut because then i would just look like an obsessed creepoid, there were more than a few clunkers and snooze-fests (The Beach, J. Edgar, The Man in the Iron Mask). however, two movies really took the cake and made me think: why, Leo? just....why? i now present: the top 2 worst. in order.
2. Don's Plum
i watched this movie all the way through, in all of its low budget, black and white glory and finally figured out what it was about towards the end: nothing. ab-so-freaking-loutely nothing. it was literally a cast of now famous people (Leo, Tobey Maguire, Kevin Connolly, and Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley) sitting around a booth at a diner talking about everything and nothing at the same time, if everything and nothing could be talked about vulgarly. i guess they agreed to star in it to help a friend with a project and when they all became famous, the producers tried to release it for money, except everyone filmed it under the premise that it would never see the light of day (and rightfully so...). so now you can only get it oversees. so it least it has some mystique behind it and you feel kind of like a felon watching it. actually it SHOULD be a felony to watch this. here's a clip if you want to see for yourself and waste 1:24 of your life that you will never, ever get back.
1. Total Eclipse
let me nutshell this movie for you: period piece, heinous hair pieces, underage gay loving, poetry, full frontal nudity, brattiness, spousal abuse of pregnant wives. want me to go on? boring, awkward (watching baby Leo make out with Professor Lupin from the Harry Potter movies!? no thank you...) and all around terrible. it ended with Leo's character dying alone in Africa with one leg and a pornstache. oops, spoiler alert. but seriously, i'm not making this stuff up. i couldn't find a clip or picture to do this movie any justice, so instead here's a clip of OneDirection singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler on The X-Factor. also, they are dressed as vampires. trust me, this is the better deal.
from Critters 3 to Django Unchained, i've finally seen them all. now, the question remains, when will Leo finally get his Oscar? and what will i do while i'm waiting for the movie that will give it to him to come out? actually that movie should have been Django, but alas. i suppose i could get a life. i could start watching the complete works of, say, Johnny Depp or Tom Cruise. that should last me until the year 2078. or i could just sit patiently waiting for The Great Gatsby to come out on May 10th.
yeah, i think that sounds like a great plan.
