Sisterly Conversations on: Questioning my own sanity...again

V, I see your awkward apartment times and raise them by 5! Top 5 Awkward Apartment moments (when no one is watching). I am sure those of you who know me and have spent time in my fine little abode have your own list of curious things that have happened. And I am sure they are funny and embarrassing, probably most embarrassing for me. But, hey, what else is new? Am I right?! But sometimes the weirdest things happen when no one is there to witness, and that's when I have no choice but to laugh as I imagine what I look like while these things are happening to me. Who knows I could be making these stories up, but after reading the following list, I think you will want to believe they are true.


So with that being said...here are my TOP 5 AWKWARD MOMENTS at my apartment(when no one is watching):


5) Hearing my newlywed neighbors screaming next door, unable to tell if they were fighting, playing, or doing something else that involves screaming. So I, being a good neighbor friend, stood listening at the wall through a glass held up to my ear, waiting for signs of danger. I feel like they could tell I was there and thought I was weird. I mean, they would never answer when I came over to borrow an egg...


4) My very first (and only thanks to the ridicule of Kevin and CJ) Halloween party. CJ thought it would be "cool" to dress up as this character from Space Jam...

....You're right...I don't know what to say either. But the point is that CJ is not normally this color, so he got the idea to paint his entire body purple. Thus, for years (yes, years) afterward, I was finding purple smudges ALL OVER my apartment: on the walls, on the refrigerator door handle, in the refrigerator (who knows it was a crazy night). 




3) Then there is the time I watched my old Vietnam Vet neighbor walk his tiny white dog while I was watering my plants on the patio. He is usually not wearing a shirt (definitely not T. Lautz material), he always wears some form of burnt orange/UT pants or gym shorts, and is always carrying a beer. Well, I watched him putz around with his dog for a little bit. But after a while, that short jaunt around the tree got to be too much and Mr. Vietnam had to take a rest on the wooden ledge. I watched him to make sure he was okay. Then slowly, like a little shirtless, drunk baby, he fell asleep. Just like that. Chin to chest, snoozin' while his little dog did his thing. I looked around: no one else seem to notice the old man, so I just let him be.




2) I hate bugs. It is rare that they find their way into my apartment, but if they do...then they are dumb not to trust their bug senses that this is the end. Any bug that comes in meets its demise with Black Flag bug spray. Its mainly for scorpions and bees and such (bugs I've never actually had). But hey, I figure the extra strength stuff always does the trick. One morning I was just trying to eat my eggs when I see a roach crawl up my living room wall. I guess I could just leave it because that is how scared I am of roaches, but then I think about where it could end up later in the day if I leave it: in my bed, in my shoe, in my shower cap. I shudder at the thought. So I become enraged, like the hulk. I run to find a broom, beat the roach off the wall, all the while screaming things like "YOU BASTARD, *&&#@!@" (you know, things to get myself pumped up). This is awkward because it's probably 7am and the floors and walls aren't that thick. And my neighbors have ears. I'm pretty sure they were judging me. I stomp on it under the broom, attack it with the Black Flag, but it doesn't die. Then I go all Ryan Gosling on this bug and do something like this (GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD!)

Sorry to scare you, Carey.






1)And this has happened multiple times, but I will sum it up into a couple examples. It's one thing to have funny/awkward things happen to you when you are alone. But sometimes it gets so bad that I start to argue with myself. And not even with myself. I imagine in my head having a conversation with someone that I know. Maybe I'm anticipating talking with them later that day, or maybe I'm remembering how a conversation went in the past. But then I will randomly respond out loud. Usually I am arguing with that other person so I will just blurt out angry comments. For example, I'll be scrubbing the bathtub and then a random, "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO STUDY IN GROUPS," will come out. Or I might be hanging up clothes in the closet and grumpily scoff, "Ha! Why don't you bring coffee cake for the office?!" Jeez...why don't they just listen.?(Disclaimer: I am not schizophrenic!)


-Alanna